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You've had a successful night out on the town. You were the life of the party, everybody
wanted to be your friend, and the girls (or guys) couldn't keep their hands off of you. At
least that's how you'll remember it the next day. Now you have to get back to your dorm to
sleep it off. Thing is, you can't even keep your eyes pointed in front of you, and you have
to swipe in. Don't worry... you're not totally screwed just yet.
Security guards really don't want to write you up for dr*nking. Security guards aren't retarded. Most people coming home at 4am aren't coming back from class or from a late night at the library. As long as you don't come swagging in, 40oz in one hand, hooker on the other, they usually won't say anything. And unless you have a serious dr*nking problem, you should be able to pull yourself together for at least 30 seconds. And as we'll see, those thirty seconds are key. Some things to remember... you've been shoving liquid refreshment down your throat all night. You smell accordingly. If you have to talk to the security guard, even if just to say "how ya doin'?", remember to direct your breath somewhere other than their face. Also, if you were at an especially "special" party, your clothes might reak of other, more illegal substances. You might want to dump these somewhere, or at least air them out before attempting re-entry. Don't get too cocky. This might be hard to do when you've spent the last 3 hours making friends by dancing around doing your Richard Simmons impersonation. A standard "Hey, what's up" is good. Don't screw it up by saying "Gee, it's a good thing I didn't dr*nk tonight..." to your friends behind you as you attempt to swipe in. The "thumbs up sign should also be avoided. The walk back to your dorm is a good place to remind yourself how to swipe in. Find somebody who knows how to walk, and have them hold their hands close together. Practice swiping your card through there. If you're by yourself (*cough* loser *cough*) you can use the cracks in the sidewalk. Either way, you're gonna look like a couple of dr*nk students trying to remember how to swipe in, so it's a good idea NOT to practice this directly in front of said security guard. Which brings us to the actual act of swiping in. The key here is to have the card in your hand before you walk in, and have it in proper swiping position. I find that if you hold the card between your thumb, middle, and ring fingers. Use your index finger as a guide so that you can easily slide that sucker into the slot. Again, don't get cocky and wham it through like you're trying to start a campfire in boyscouts. Swiping in dr*nk is no big deal. I know folk who have been so messed up that they don't even remember doing it. To get caught swiping in dr*nk, and to have the security guard actually do something about it requires a state of annihilation unsafe to any human. And if you hit that level, then dude, you got problems far far far out of my range. But you'll probably figure that out on your own when you wake up the next day in a puddle of your own innards and a mean case of ass-gravy. So in conclusion, if you're going to party, be safe. If you're going to indluge, make sure that you have a safe ride home, and make sure you aren't going to do anything stupid that will come back to haunt you (this includes hooking up with Orca and/or throwing up on your best friend).
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